He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Damn what did I do next
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…