6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
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“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
6. me as a lawyer
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.