[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break