Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.