It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”