I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Just me and my debit card against the world
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
What is going on? 😅
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel