i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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