Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.