I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…