Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on