they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
dutch is not a serious language
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
seems like a niche market
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’m putting together a team
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!