[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
want me to check your oil?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.