When your man makes a valid point
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.