wtf is this choreography πππ
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
β¦OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Me: Iβm really into architecture.
Her: Contemporaryβ¦modern?
Me: LEGO.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like βim pickle rick.β funniest shit ive ever heard
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, itβs still today.
7: aww
Relationship status: Itβs not complicated Iβm just an idiot
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please