“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?