Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.