[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Lmbo
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”