my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade