i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
You Might Also Like
Best mom ever 😂
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road