[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing