If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?