Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more