I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
You Might Also Like
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.