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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
🔦🌙👣
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.