doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
This why you should mind your business
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.