No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
You wish you had this many chins.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
In space, no one can hear…
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is