Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Waiting for the Charmin
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
me adding lol on a serious message
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet