Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
Itâs not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
wife: u shouldâve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when Iâm done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. Iâm still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Oh my god
Whatcha doing?! đđ€Łđ¶
If the sun is so hot how come itâs single
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Tomorrowâs dress up day for my kids school is âthrowback to the 2000âs.â Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
In my day, we didnât have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, youâd yell âYabba dabba doo!â as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but itâs me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendyâs manager: you are very fired
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, âWait! I can explain everything!â
I donât really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs