I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Sheep
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
doing your own taxes
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too