Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me too 😆
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time