But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Go girl power!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube