How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.