Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.