there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people