Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
the #horror is real!
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.