I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
You Might Also Like
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Anyone want a chair?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement