as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.