[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?