Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
You Might Also Like
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Florida be like…
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book