Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
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Snapes on a plane.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.