Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.