People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night