Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Breaking news:
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.