Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
More like Kate Missington.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.