I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
early stone age tool
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Good point.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.