The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad