My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Need this in my life lol
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose