Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake