If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
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A cabbage a day keeps people away.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat