Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
ibopfufen
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.